Dish
by Serenity Goddess
Summary: *THIRD AND FINAL PART IS NOW UP .. R&R* [completed] Xander goes into the restaurant business after he thinks Buffy and Willow believe he is not capable of anything. (B/X) Set in the future.
1. One

ONE  
  
(Scene: Willow and Buffy are in Xander's new apartment, watching television)  
  
Buffy: That is so not true.  
  
Willow: No, it is. (pointing to the television) You see, that fountain pen   
*can* pierce a block of wood and still work.  
  
Buffy: They're lying.  
  
Willow: (indicating the saleswoman) Does that look like the face of a liar?  
  
Buffy: (thinking) Well, not really. (pauses) Do you think that I could stake   
vampires with that pen?  
  
Willow: If it can pierce a block of wood…  
  
Buffy: Imagine. If I wanted to do some post-midnight essay-writing after my   
patrol, that pen would come in pretty useful. And I wouldn't have to carry   
an extra stake.  
  
Willow: Ooh. And it comes with a free bottle of black ink.  
  
Buffy: Get out of here.  
  
Willow: I'm not lying! Look! (pointing excitedly) And…and…. And if you order   
now, you get another pen free! You can keep it as a spare.  
  
Buffy: Why would I want another one? If it can't get broken like they say   
so, why would I need a spare?  
  
Willow: Just in case you lose your first one.  
  
Buffy: (nodding) That makes sense. (pauses) You know, we cut a pretty   
pitiful picture here.  
  
Willow: I know.  
  
Buffy: Where is Xander anyways? He was supposed to be back from work …   
(looks at her watch) an hour ago.  
  
Willow: Maybe he's having trouble finding the video. I hear 'Masters of the   
Universe' is pretty out of stock nowadays.  
  
Buffy: Hmmm. Should we look for him?  
  
Willow: Give him another ten minutes. (turns back to the TV) Oh! Look! An   
embroidery kit!  
  
(The door swings open and Xander comes in)  
  
Willow: Xander! Where have you been?  
  
Xander: I quit my job.  
  
(The girls gasp)  
  
Buffy: Why?  
  
Xander: Well, the head honchos on top made it perfectly clear that I wasn't   
going to get anywhere unless I… (long pause)  
  
Buffy: Unless you what?  
  
Xander: … unless I sleep with my boss.  
  
Willow: Oh God.  
  
Xander: So I told them, NO! No, no , no , no, no… because I'm man of   
principle. And then , whoosh, I quit.  
  
Willow: Xander…  
  
Buffy: Did you really think that was a good thing to do?  
  
Xander: Eh?  
  
Buffy: I mean… not that I'm asking you to compromise your values or   
anything… but it's… it's… not like you can afford to just simply chuck away   
your job like that. And I've never known you to be opposed to sex.  
  
Xander: My boss is a man.  
  
Buffy: Oh. (pause) Is he a good looking man?  
  
Willow: BUFFY!  
  
Buffy: Sorry… (looks at Xander) You poor boy. What happened to you after   
that?  
  
Xander: I don't know… I remember walking the streets for god knows how long…   
and then I went and rented "Masters of the Universe". (takes out the tape)  
  
Buffy: You remembered! (gets a look from Willow) Not that that is important.  
  
Willow: Actually, Xander, Buffy did make a good point.  
  
Buffy: I did?  
  
Willow: Yes. Did you think about the repercussions of your actions?  
  
Xander: Eh?  
  
Willow: The aftermath! Have you thought about your future? How are you going   
to pay your bills? Your rent? How are you going to buy food?  
  
Xander: Willow, it's not that big a tragedy. I'll find another job.  
  
Willow: Oh, you will, will you? That's so like you. Bouncing from one crap   
job to another.  
  
Buffy: Actually, I thought the condom commercial was kind of funny. (Willow   
and Xander glare at Buffy) What? It *was*.  
  
Willow: (deciding to ignore Buffy) Xander, you can't just…  
  
Xander: Do I really need a lecture now? (turns to Buffy) Tell her.  
  
Buffy: Actually, she's right. You know, Xander, it's time you held a steady   
job. One that can guarantee  
you a secure and promising future. Hmm, if Giles were here he could phrase   
it better.  
  
Xander: What's wrong with the way I do things now?  
  
Buffy: Nothing. It's just that you can't possibly think that you're going to   
keep living like this?  
  
Xander: (suddenly edgy) I see what this is about.  
  
Willow: Uh-oh.  
  
Xander: It's about me not being good enough for you guys, isn't it? It's   
about the whole "Xander Was Too Dumb to Go To College" thing, isn't it?  
  
Buffy: No, it's not…  
  
Xander: Well, I'll show you, Buffy. I'll show you. (storms out)  
  
Buffy: (yelling after him) Hey! I was the one who said your condom   
commercial was COOL!  
  
Willow: Well, that's one conversation the neighbors will spend hours   
pondering.  
  
Buffy: (turns to Willow) This is all your fault, you know.  
  
Willow: What?  
  
Buffy: You just had to mention that I made a very good point, didn't you.   
(plops down on the couch) Now he's all angry and he's going to show me.  
  
Willow: Don't worry about him.  
  
Buffy: That's easy for you to say! You're not the one he's mad at! He's not   
going to show you! And… and… and technically, *you* should be the one he's   
showing everything to. You started it.  
  
Willow: Right now we shouldn't be shifting blame.  
Buffy: So said the Blameless Guilty One. You know, if he comes in with an   
M16 and starts shooting, you're going down with me. 


	2. Two

TWO  
  
Scene: Willow and Buffy enter Willow's apartment.  
  
Willow: … so how are things with you and Xander?  
  
Buffy: (shrugs) I don't know. He keeps telling me how he's going to 'show   
me' and then he never does. It's been almost a week now.  
  
Willow: Gosh, he must be really mad at you.  
  
Buffy: Which, do I have to remind you, is still all your fault. How come you   
got off scott free?  
  
Willow: I guess he just likes me more.  
  
Buffy: This is insane. I've never seen him this riled about something so   
petty.  
  
Willow: Maybe you should sleep with him.  
  
Buffy: Excuse me?  
  
Willow: Well, it is a common fact that one can quell a man's ferocious anger   
through intimate and physical displays of affection.  
  
Buffy: Where did you hear that from?  
  
Willow: (sheepishly) Dr. Mann. From the radio.  
  
Buffy: Dr. Mann doesn't know crap. She's probably the world's oldest virgin.  
  
Willow: That's not a nice thing to say.  
  
Buffy: Does she sound like an attractive woman to you?  
  
Willow: Actually she doesn't really sound like a woman at all. (thinks)   
Which is somewhat disturbing, considering her name.  
  
Xander: (coming in suddenly) HAH! I thought I'd find you here.  
  
Willow: I live here.  
  
Xander: I wasn't talking to you. (to Buffy) I'll show you!  
  
Buffy: (bored) Please.  
  
Xander: You said you didn't believe in me.  
  
Buffy: I never said that! Where are you getting all these ideas? Did Mr.   
Alderman let you smoke his pot again?  
  
Xander: No. But at least he believes in me.  
  
Buffy: He believes in fairies.  
  
Xander: Well… well… (can't think of a good answer) Forget about him. I want   
the both of you to come with me.  
  
Buffy: Come with you where?  
  
Xander: You'll see.  
  
Willow: Oh! A surprise! I love surprises!  
  
Buffy: Not if it's a murder-y surprise.  
  
Xander: Don't be ridiculous. I couldn't get a gun permit in time.  
  
Buffy: That's nice to hear.  
  
Xander: … that is if I wanted to. Come on, come on. (tugs Willow)  
  
Willow: Don't tug me. Tug Buffy.  
  
Xander: (tugs Buffy with his other hand) Come on, come on.  
  
Buffy: Where re we going?  
  
Scene : Buffy, Willow and Xander are standing in an empty shoplot.  
  
Xander: Do you like it, huh? Huh?  
  
Buffy: How… nice. And empty.  
  
Willow: It's very spacious.  
  
Xander: Yeah, I know. But it won't be soon.  
  
Buffy: Because?  
  
Xander: I'm turning this place into a restaurant.  
  
Buffy/Willow: Huh?  
  
Xander: You're looking at Alexander Harris, Entrepreneur Extraordinaire!  
  
Willow: I am at a loss for words.  
  
Buffy: I'm not. (to Xander) Where did you get the money to do this?  
  
Xander: Well, a little begging here, a little begging there, a few loans,   
and some generosity from one ex-librarian-cum-watcher. It's really isn't   
such a big deal.  
  
Buffy: Well, do you have the slightest bit of a clue how to run a   
restaurant?  
  
Xander: Not really.  
  
Buffy: And you thought what, this would be a piece of cake?  
  
Xander: No…  
  
Buffy: What food are you going to serve? Who's the cook? Where are the   
waiters? Do you know how to balance the accounts? What about stock? And   
inventory? Do you know how to do that?  
  
Xander: Is this part of your whole 'I Don't Believe in You' Extravaganza?  
  
Buffy: There is NO Extravaganza! What is wrong with you?  
  
Willow: (stepping beside Xander) Well, I think what you're doing is very   
brave.  
  
Buffy: Suck-up. (to Xander) You know, you didn't have to do this because of   
what I … (looks at Willow) … we said. You didn't have to prove anything.  
  
Xander: Gee, someone's drunk on the Alcohol of Me. Not everything revolves   
around what you say.  
  
Buffy: … (silence) … What about all that stuff about 'showing me'?  
  
Xander: Okay, maybe I was a *little* bit affected by what you said. But   
still, I'm doing this for me.  
  
Buffy: (looks down) Oh. (pauses) I'm sorry… I didn't mean to come down so   
hard on you just now.  
  
Xander: That's all right…  
  
Willow: Oh! OH! You could make it a pub.  
  
Xander: A pub? (eyes lighting up) With beer?  
  
Willow: Yeah, and you could have strippers!  
  
Xander: Oh! Strippers! That'll draw in the crowd. (Buffy looks on in   
disbelief) But you know what's a real crowd puller? Lesbian love scenes. (to   
Willow excited) Are you and Tara free on weekends?  
  
Willow: Hey!  
  
Buffy: Will you listen to yourselves?  
  
Xander: Buffy, how good are you with a whip?  
  
Buffy: (stares at him) I am *not* stripping. And besides, you're the one   
with all the experience.  
  
Xander: I told you never to bring that up.  
  
Buffy: You're the one who's asking all your friends to strip. What kind of   
person does that?  
  
Xander: I wasn't *asking* you to strip, I was simply asking how good you   
were with a whip…  
  
Willow: Okay, I think this conversation has the word 'strip' too much.  
  
Buffy: (ignoring Willow) And I thought you wanted this place to be a   
restaurant?  
  
Xander: I did! It was Willow who wanted to make it into a strip-joint.  
  
Willow: PUB! PUB!  
  
Buffy: Somehow I get this feeling you're not taking this seriously.  
  
Xander: Well I am.  
  
Buffy: Doesn't look like it.  
  
Xander: What are you, the AntiXander?  
  
Buffy: WHAT?  
  
Xander: You know what, now that I think about it, you ARE.  
  
Willow: Oh dear. (sits down on the floor)  
  
Buffy: What are you trying to say?  
  
Xander: Sure. You always have a problem with whatever I do, don't you. I get   
what you're getting at. You're the Slayer. You're perfect. And the rest of   
us are not.  
  
Buffy: Where are you getting all of this from?  
  
Xander: I've been getting it for a long time now. I just didn't realize it   
up till know.  
  
Willow: Xander, maybe you should…  
  
Xander: Well, I'm tired of being used and pushed around.  
  
Buffy: I don't do that.  
  
Xander: Yeah, okay. (starts to leave) You know what - I was going to name a   
dessert after you, but now you're going to be the Roast Pig. (walks off)  
  
Buffy: (stares off after him) I'm beginning to see a pattern in the way our   
conversations end. 


	3. Three

THREE  
  
Willow: You know, I don't really blame him.  
  
Buffy: I assume this is all my fault, isn't it.  
  
Willow: Well, you were a little … mean.  
  
Buffy: No, I wasn't, I was just being… (pauses and sighs) This is just like   
the Wizard of Oz. Except this isn't Kansas, and there isn't a tin man. Or a   
scarecrow. Or a lion for that matter.  
  
Willow: (confused) Yeah, because other than that, the situations are   
identical.  
  
Buffy: I mean, Xander is *so* obviously Dorothy.  
  
Willow: Uh-huh.  
  
Buffy: You know why he's doing this? Because he's trying to prove his   
self-worth. Just like Dorothy, who ran away because her Aunt Em didn't   
believe in her.  
  
Willow: That was in the movie. And she ran away because Aunt Em had to give   
Toto away.  
  
Buffy: Really? I must have seen a different version then.  
  
Willow: You think?  
  
Buffy: But my point is still the same.  
  
Willow: There was a point?  
  
Buffy: You're not helping. Do you think he really hates me now?  
  
Willow: Oh, you know Xander. He can't stay mad at anybody for long. Except   
there was this one time, he held a grudge for twenty years.  
  
Buffy: He's twenty-one!  
  
Willow: Yeah, kids can be so vicious.  
  
Buffy: So, what, I'm supposed to wait twenty years before I speak to him   
again?  
  
Willow: Sure, you could do that. Or you could apologize. Ooh, and bring pie.   
He loves pie.  
  
Buffy: I'm not going to bribe him with pie.  
  
Willow: Yeah, okay, you can tell him that when you're forty-one.  
  
SCENE : Xander's 'restaurant' lot.  
  
Xander is sitting at the empty counter, his head on the table.  
  
(Buffy comes in with pie)  
  
Buffy: Hey.  
  
Xander: (looks up at her) Hey.  
  
Buffy: I brought pie. (shows him the pie) Peace offering.  
  
Xander: (face lights up) Apple?  
  
Buffy: Pumpkin.  
  
Xander: (looks disappointed) Oh.  
  
Buffy: But, oooh! Ooh! Hey, I have apple too! (takes out one from her bag)   
Backup.  
  
Xander: (happier) Okay.  
  
Buffy: (puts the pies on the counter and sits next to him) About just now…   
what I said about you not being serious and everything… I didn't mean it.  
  
Xander: Nah, it's okay.  
  
Buffy: No, it's not. I should have been a little bit more supportive of the   
things you wanted to do. I guess I'm not as good a friend as I thought I   
was.  
  
Xander: You're right.  
  
Buffy: (annoyed) No, Buffy, don't say things like that, you're the best   
friend ever!  
  
Xander: No, I meant about what you said earlier. About me and this   
restaurant. I mean, I can't run a restaurant! What was I thinking?  
  
Buffy: What are you saying?  
  
Xander: I'm saying that maybe this was a big mistake.  
  
Buffy: You have to be kidding. You can't quit now.  
  
Xander: Like you said, I have no experience in this sort of thing. What if I   
don't make enough money? How am I going to repay the loan? What will Giles   
say?  
  
Buffy: Xander… (stops) I could really use an inspiring quote right now.  
  
Xander: How about 'persevere'?  
  
Buffy: That' a word. I need a quote.  
  
Xander: How about 'those who try will never truly fail'?  
  
Buffy: (thinks about it) Nah.  
  
Xander: 'The greatest failure is the failure to try'?  
  
Buffy: (shakes her head) Nope.  
  
Xander: Oh, I know. 'The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely   
better than those who try to do nothing and succeed'.  
  
Buffy: Yeah. That's good. Pretend I said that.  
  
Xander: Well, it's not working.  
  
Buffy: Pie? (hands him a pie. Xander shakes his head. She puts it down)   
Look, Xander… if there's one thing I know about you it's that you can do   
anything… I'm pretty sure of that. And I know that if you give this a shot…   
you can do it.  
  
Xander: Really?  
  
Buffy: Yes. (smiles at him) Don't doubt me.  
  
Xander: Do I ever?  
  
Buffy: Once, when you thought I couldn't kill that demon with dynamite.  
  
Xander: And was I right?  
  
Buffy: (pauses) Yeah, but the explosion was pretty.  
  
Xander: (laughs) Sometimes I still see the multicolored spots.  
  
Buffy: Oh, we've had fun times, right.  
  
Xander: Between the decapitations and demonic attacks. (pauses, and looks at   
her)  
  
Buffy: (looks back at him) What?  
  
Xander: Nothing.  
  
Buffy: That wasn't nothing.  
  
Xander: It's just… (he leans forward and kisses her on the lips. She   
struggles a little first, but then slowly gives in and kisses him back,   
wrapping her arms around his neck. After a while they pull apart.) Yeah.   
It's just this.  
  
Buffy: Well, that's something. (bites her lower lip) So, are you still going   
to name that dessert after me?  
  
Xander: (grins) Buffy, after *that*, I'll name the whole damn restaurant   
after you.  
  
The END 


End file.
